Conversations.

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The fisherman did not hear the rushing wind nor the rustles of the leaves. He did not hear the laughing children nor the hawkers’ cries. He did not see the woodcutter carrying long poles of bamboos swinging at the ends nor the wide expanse of padi greens waving to him. He did not hear or see anything on his way back to MingYu’s house. Yet his legs knew where to take him. They knew when to abruptly stop to avoid the bicycle smashing into him but he did not hear the curses of the irate cyclist. If he did, he did not care.


His mind was occupied with MingYu’s reactions to the new development. How would she feel? What would she decide? Or would her decision rest on his? Because of love? Or because of obligation, or guilt?


It was easy when she had no choice. She needed help, he would be his savior. It did not even really matter whether she really loves him or not. As long he did not feel he is taking advantage, such matter was not the most important issue at hand and can be settled later. But he can no longer push that away now. She is free. He never associates freedom with pain.


He can no longer wait. Not even for a single day, a single moment. He had to confront the truth, now. Who does she love more? (Boldly facing the truth, he has no doubt that she loves him too). Who does she want to spend the rest of her life with? (She will have difficulty answering that because she will not to able to remove the guilt and regret whichever ways she chose). Who will she be happier with? (This will determine his decision and he thinks he knows).


He heard a small voice asking him, “Shouldn’t you let her decide?” To himself he answered with an emphatic “No!” He will decide for her, right or wrong. For if left to her, he was convinced she will now decide one way. Let it be his regrets not hers for being the one making it. A thousand voices rose up in protests. For every decision he wanted to make, a horde of objections rose up threatening to drive him mad. But the fisherman had made up his mind, he beat these voices into submission with his resoluteness.


His legs brought him to the main doors of MingYu’s house and he woke up from his reflection. He hesitated and his eyes grew sad but only for a moment. He walked through and straight into the garden where he find MingYu sitting waiting for him to return. He tried to lighten his smile and sat down next to her.


The world around them froze. Though, the birds still sang, and the hustle and bustle of the kitchen continued with unabated fury; they melted into a separate, unreal world that has no relevance to the two figures facing each other. They spoke in slow heavy tone weighed down by heavy emotions and the gravity of the weighty issues. Flighty words have no place here. It was a funeral speech.


“You went to see EnXue?”


“Yes.”


She wanted to ask what happened but changed at the last minute for this following question which may never be asked again if not now. “Why did you go and see her?”


“To find out how much I love you.”


Though not exactly an evasive answer, it was a convenient one and could mean any number of things. “And what did you find out?”


“That I love you.” This conversation was ridiculous, not in what was spoken but in the way they were spoken. It was so unnatural like two actors rehearsing a play. The fisherman moved to change that. “But I found that I can also feel strongly for others. But that is not important for I know I can control myself and be true to the one I love.”


MingYu was not happy to hear that. She was happy to hear the fisherman said he loves her and will be true to her. She was just not happy that he has to make effort to resists EnXue’s charms for her. He only met her yesterday, for heaven sake. Why can’t you lie to make me happy? While these thoughts were swarming her head, she suddenly felt that there was something amiss. She was missing something and it frightened her. So she searched his glum face, and then slowly forced those reluctant words from her mouth “She told you?”


His head was like a ton of concrete when he moved it to nod.


When WenCai sent his happy message and requested an urgent meeting, she forced herself not to feel anything. She will be true to the fisherman as she should. WenCai was her past. She was amazed and pleased with herself that she could so easily put aside troubling emotions and stayed orderly focused on doing the right thing with her life. But now, when she saw the fisherman’s reaction; she broke down. Her heart rended by conflicting emotions kept in check. Now freed, these feelings immediately proceed to tear her apart. She was sorry but she did not really know what she was sorry for. She intended to be true to him, didn’t she? Strangely, at the same time; she felt such an overflowing love for the fisherman that it can leave no room for doubts who she loves more. Why then is she crying so painfully? As if someone has torn out her heart.


The fisherman looked at her, and was pleased. He will want to remember her like this. Crying her heart out because of him. At the same time, he felt he had swallowed the bitterest gall. There was no need for the conversation they meant to have. Any words were superfluous now. He did not cry. She was doing the crying for both of them.

________________________

That night he slept alone. A pall has once again descended upon the Chen household, but for a different reason. Everyone in the household felt sorry to the fisherman and he found that unbearable. He made arrangement to leave on the next train but MingYu begged him to stay on for a few more days. She visited him and told him stories about herself. All her secrets she wanted to leave them with the fisherman for she knew that they will probably never meet again. Often in the telling of the tales, she will break down and cry; dabbed her eyes with her silk handkerchief and sobbingly continued. It happened randomly apparently for no reason, for she can cry even when the tale she was telling was a happy one. They did not speak about their situations or feelings, about WenCai or EnXue, about their past, present or future. They just recounted their tales to each other hoping to leave behind for the other as much memories as they could. They both wanted to be remembered.


Despite increasingly urgent messages from WenCai and EnXue, MingYu and the fisherman ignored them all without even reading. The time they have left was only for each other. They went for long walks and have long talks or just sat silent together for hours looking at the sun rays swimming on the lake. They climbed the hills again and surveyed the rapidly growing padi. He could not stay to watch it ripen and turned golden but he could see them already – a field of gently undulating gold. Because they knew all these will end soon and forever, they distilled and treasured every minute of it. And developed a bond that even time would no longer be able to erase. Sometimes, this closeness intruded and made them wonder if they could perhaps change fate. But these thoughts were fleeting and appeared like wishful thinking. The time has long passed to wonder if their decision was the right one.


Finally, there came a time when this has to stop. The fisherman told MingYu he will be leaving on the Sunday train. This time MingYu did not object. “That only leaves us two days” she said with tears in her voice.


“Tomorrow, I will go and see Grandma and XiaoYu. And I would like to go alone.”


MingYu was a little surprised but she said nothing, nodding her head in understanding. “It is just as well.”


He did not quite understand what she meant by that. But then there is no need to understand everything. Like there is no need to understand the reasons for their decision, just the feelings that this was the right thing to do.


Was it?

To be continued...

The Journey Home.

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The train was hurtling away, shaking and groaning as it pulled the carriage down the iron track. The unearthly noises it was making alternated. When it was gliding smoothly, it made a low whining sound that combined with the rushing wind into a drawn out moan. Then suddenly without warning, it would gave out loud mechanical coughs that rattled and shook so violently that it threatened to break apart and disgorge the passengers out on the track. It had been doing that for hours; maybe it will hold for another few more until they got home.


He could not sleep. But this did not appear to be a problem for the rest of the passengers. Occasionally, during a quieter stretch; he could even hear the snoring of the fat man sitting opposite him sleeping with his mouth open. In the crowded train, he was the only one still wrestling with his thoughts as nosily as the train is wrestling with the track. He looked at the window and saw his own reflection, sullen and troubled. Why is that face so serious whenever it is deep in thought? He had seen MingYu’s father reflecting and the face was so serene, contented. He felt a clutch at his heart. Just a casual thought of her would raise such a distinct image floating before his eyes. His expression lost its intensity, replaced by a tenderness reserved only for her.


He looked out the window but the rushing night revealed no secrets on this moonless night. The body stirred as it adjusted itself in its sleep and found a more comfortable position resting its’ head on his shoulder. His shoulder is now slightly numb from her weight. He moved it slightly to improve the circulation but taking care not to wake her. He ran his hand gently over her hair and it felt like the smoothest silk. She was dressed in a bright deep blue cheongsam with tiny yellow and pink flowers that only served to emphasize the blue. His favorite color, that of the sea. He knew she was wearing it for him. His simple cotton shirt was the best he had but it paled against her fine silk. He was going home and did not want to keep up the pretense anymore. There was another reason. He watched her carefully to see her reaction on his clothing in the station. But she rushed up to him gleefully (if she is aware, she did not show or care), and grabbed his arm happily. And proudly as if declaring to the world, I am happy he is mine. Because she felt that way, he was also proud to have her hanging on to him although it turned a few heads who are puzzled at the somewhat odd couple; he reflected with a smile.


But now in the rumbling train, with her silent in her sleep. No longer influenced by her contagious enthusiasm and affection; he has time for doubts to creep in. He was brought up in the sea. He can never be away from it for long. How he is missing it already, the smell of taste and salt in his lips. His hair flying in the wind that blasted against his face. It is a simple life but it is a life that fulfills his needs and makes him happy. Can she adjust to it? Will this mundane existence bore her? Can she take the hardship of being a fisherman’s wife? Will love be enough? Will she be jealous of his mistress – the sea? Only she can answer these questions. She was determined. But he has seen how determination has been worn down by time and boredom like rust corroding strong iron. He had spoken to her at length and warned her but she was confident she could make it and determined to try. And he could not deny her that. He hoped that both of them are not making a big mistake.


His left hand fell on the rolled up painting he put next to him on the seat; too precious to be put together with his luggage on the overhead compartment. It was “The Painting of Endless Sorrow”, a painting so rich with irony. The title and the poem within would be considered a bad omen, an inappropriate gift for a new relationship. But Old Man Chen knew the fisherman would not see it that way. They had that conversation, “It is not a grim reminder of my lost. It is a reminder of what I have become from my lost.” So in a nutshell, it reminded us that “we are now older but wiser” and that portends good no matter how much we suffered in the past. The fisherman did not want to accept it knowing how much the old man love that painting and told him that it would not last in the salty air of the coast. But the old man insisted. “It is important to me for you to have it. I wanted to give you something precious for all the trouble we brought you. It is not precious if I have no reluctance to give it away. Please take it.” Tears were in the old man’s eyes and his grips were strong. So he accepted it. The first thing he must do when he got back is to have it framed to protect it.


When they came back from the “Tears of Weeping Willows”, the fisherman and MingYu did not hold hands that night when they slept. Though both were aching to and knew that they would derive comfort from the touch, neither one of them could extend out the hand to touch the other. For they were suddenly have reasons to be unsure of their own feelings. They did not want to be insincere to the other, so they spent the sleepless night tormenting themselves.


As if that was not trouble enough, the next day the fisherman received a note from EnXue requesting for a private meeting. That threw him completely off-balanced. He had not expected it at all and was amazed at her audacity. This placed him in a dilemma and created great turbulence. Should he go or should he ignore the request? Should he discuss this with MingYu or should he inform MingYu if he decided to go? Why did she want to see him? He was afraid to meet her fearing the effect she may still have on him. How can she stir up such emotions in him? It is safer to stay away. Yet he knew he wanted to go, to find out if yesterday was because he was caught off-guard.


He paced up and down, growing more irritable as the moments of the meeting drew near. As he was doing so, MingYu came up to him. Suddenly, before he had time to think, he blurted out “EnXue asked me to meet her, should I go?” MingYu could not check her anger and exploded “What type of question is that?” and she marched out of the room. But she turned back and expelled a loud “Go!” and ran out. That is a no answer. But the fisherman went because of MingYu’s reaction. He had to do it right by her, to settle it once and for all. To find what EnXue wanted and to deny her if it involved MingYu’s happiness.


The meeting place was a villa owned by EnXue’s father. EnXue laughed at the fisherman’s solemn face as he was led into the garden where she was waiting. “You’re late,” she said gaily. He was surprised at how much she had changed in just one day. It was as if she was a completely different person. Where she was cool, restrained, withdrawn, sophisticated, even a little haughty before, now she was open, energized, looking mischievous and a little too happy. “Oh, come on. Relax. I’m not going to eat you” and she laughed, a mirthful laugh. Yes, she had changed – totally. At her merry pleading, he relaxed and said “You’ve changed.” Then added, “Completely”.


She gave him such a warm smile that he felt his knees melting. There she goes again, disrupting the functions of his body. “Thanks to you” spoken so coyly that he felt she is deliberately trying to affect him and succeeding. The meeting has not even started and he had his answer. Yes, for some reason; he has no resistance against her charms.


“I’ve got to go. I cannot stay.”


“Why”


Without mincing his words, the fisherman said “You’re too dangerous.”


“Okay, I’ll stop teasing you. But I’m glad I could affect you” shocking the fisherman with her directness.


“What do you want from me?”


She looked at him with a face full of sincerity. Or was it just good acting? With her, he could not tell. She said gently but seriously “You saved me. You were sent from Heaven to save me. And I want to repay your kindness, with my dedication and my love.”


The fisherman face flushed with embarrassment but his heart was pounding. Why is he feeling this way? He cannot, should not be feeling this way. What about MingYu? He loves her. No, he is running ahead of himself. It cannot be true. He only met her yesterday. She could not love him. What is her motive? His emotions were in turmoil. He looked at her for answers. He saw the warm smile still hanging on her lips but he noticed the tears at the corner of her eyes. She believed in what she is saying. He must get away from her. Not knowing what to say, he said “I love MingYu” to deter her but was not prepared for her response.


“Until yesterday, I thought I love WenCai,” leaving the fisherman to ponder what she meant. “But who MingYu and WenCai really love are each other.”


The fisherman felt a chill preceded by a stab. He was glad for that. It reaffirmed to him that his feelings for MingYu was unchanged. “It did not matter anyway.” He replied defensively.


“Yes, it does now. They are free to love each other. I’ve broken off the engagement.”


“What did you say?” the fisherman exclaimed though he heard her clearly. He got to think this through. He got to think.

To be continued...

Drinking Alone Under The Moon.

It is said tears washed away the hurts,
Debris collected in aching hearts.
But have you seen the muddy water
Flooding the Yellow River, the Yellow Sea?

- Zhang XiCheng

She had wanted for a long time to cry but the tears just would not come. The deeper she was cut, the greater the turbulence, the more she shored up the dam. Even in the depth of the nights, under the safety of the blanket or the kindly gazes of the stars alone in the courtyard, she could not bring herself to cry. She swallowed them in and they rested in her heart. They came out in the sad corners of her sweet smiles and the mellowed curves of her melodic voice.


One starry night she found her father drunk in the round table of the wing courtyard spouting Li Bai’s “Drinking Alone Under The Moon” –

I raised my cup to invite the moon
To join my shadow making us three
But the moon does not know how to drink
And my shadow just imitates me.

He let out a deep sigh before swiping down another drink. Seeing her, he said “EnXue, it is no fun drinking alone.” And as if answering his own comment, he added “But some drinks, you can only drink alone.” After helping him to his bed and watching him snoring in drunken stupor she whispered “It is also no fun crying alone, but who is there to understand your tears?”


But now, after so many years; she found her tears. Because of a little sympathy from a stranger who seemed to feel her depth when others around her were blind to it. And once started, her heart dislodged and pushed out the accumulated poison through her tears. She made no attempts to hold them back and they rushed out her beautiful eyes. All thoughts of poise and dignity were swept away by the violent sobs that racked her body. She was horrified at the sounds she was making and she drowned them with even more painful cries.


The fisherman was shell shocked at the transformation of the ice princess into this vulnerable young woman crying her heart out. What has happened to bring about this change? He had done nothing. What should he do? He could not hold her like he held MingYu to comfort her, could he? What brought about these tears? Why is her hurt so great? Is she crying for the boy who does not love her? Why do women outside his village cry so easily in front of him? She is even more beautiful when she cries. At this moment of time, he did not lose his appreciation of her now fragile beauty. What should he do? A hundred thoughts raced through his mind but he stood rooted like an idiot overcame with concern but clueless on what to do.


He had to do something so he took a step forward and placed a hesitant hand over one of her shoulder. She responded by stepping forward and literally grasped him, her arms tightly grabbing and enfolding his back. He was stunned, his body stiffened as hers crushed into his and he did not know how to push her away. He felt her breast pressed against his chest and to his horror he felt his body immediately responding. “This is not right” he managed to say and lifted his arm to gently pushed her away by the shoulders. But she cringed even tighter to him and the pressure took his breath away. He did not want to be violent but he had to separate her. At the same time, he was having difficulty controlling his passion, desire, lust. Why did she elicit such strong response from him? What if MingYu saw him like this?


He felt the warmth of her body and his own temperature rising. He fought his desire to hold back, the temptation to lift that chin and kissed that tiny mouth. He was disgusted with himself. He is not a person to take advantage of a vulnerable lady. Confusion assailed him. What he felt for MingYu is a gentle longing but this passion burned and scorched. What is happening to him? How can he feel this way if he loved MingYu? How can he feel such passion for this woman he just met? If this is lust, how can he has so little control over himself? This is not him, he denied but his body would not lie.


MingYu looked at the struggling WenCai and recalled how she used to protect him from the bullies. The other boys feared her because she would not hesitate to march to the principal’s office to complain or even to see their parents. She was one of the few who could appreciate his tenderness and sensitivities and how it sets him apart from the other boys who cared only for frogs and kites. She could play adult make believe games with him and discussed the characters found in books. They could take long walks and enjoy nature. A pleasure man only learned to enjoy when they are almost too old and weak to walk, she noted wryly. He was different. He cried at the death of a kitten and laughed at the flights of the swallows. And no matter how he was pressured by the other boys, would not tie a string on the body of the dragonfly to fly them like a kite. When the other boys had left the field, MingYu would help him gathered the broken dragonfly in their death throbs to give them a decent burial.


So what happened to those feelings now? As the memories came flooding back, her own tenderness swept in and seeped through the armor she built around her heart to protect it from the piercing arrows of hurt. In those unguarded moments, the barriers crumpled and her heart began beating again. She remembered the tears they shared as they bent over the puppy with the broken leg. And she looked at WenCai, just as broken. Her heart ached as it did before. She brushed her hands over his head and he leaned forward to rest it on her shoulder. She held his head as she had done countless times in the past and again felt the pain she held at bay. With its return, she learned she has neither destroyed nor expelled the love as she thought. She still loved him as a mother loved her child, as an older sister lover her brother and as a woman who stood by her man.


“You must be brave,” she said. “It is destined that we cannot be together. You know there is no solution. We cannot be selfish. You cannot disgrace the honor of your family. Be brave.”


“I know,” WenCai said. “I’m not as weak as you thought. I know what I have to do. All I ever hope for, was for you to forgive me. And to know you’ll be okay. We have to be apart but we do not have to stop loving…” he choked on those words.


“No. We do not have to.” MingYu affirmed.


And they held each other for one last time. MingYu has not forgotten about the Fisherman. She knew it will not be easy for him to witness this but hoped he will understand. Still, she has a lot of explaining to do. But there is something troubling her more. Things had becomes much more complicated. If she still loved WenCai, what were her feelings for the fisherman? She felt sorry to have dragged him into all this. She turned her head to look at him.


What she saw gave her a jolt and a stab in the heart. She saw the fisherman and EnXue in deep embrace. How could this be? She had always been aware of Snow’s affection and her envy of their relationship. Now she was jealous seeing EnXue holding onto the fisherman. She noted that the fisherman was not holding back and was appeased somewhat. She was besieged by fierce and rampaging emotions. Who does she love – the gentle WenCai or the kind fisherman? Who does she love more? Can she love two persons at the same time? Will she lose both? Why did he let her hold him? Doesn’t he know that will upset her?


She looked across and their eyes met with over the water. She suddenly realized with embarrassment that how could she blame the fisherman when she was also holding someone else.

To be continued...