Drinking Alone Under The Moon.

It is said tears washed away the hurts,
Debris collected in aching hearts.
But have you seen the muddy water
Flooding the Yellow River, the Yellow Sea?

- Zhang XiCheng

She had wanted for a long time to cry but the tears just would not come. The deeper she was cut, the greater the turbulence, the more she shored up the dam. Even in the depth of the nights, under the safety of the blanket or the kindly gazes of the stars alone in the courtyard, she could not bring herself to cry. She swallowed them in and they rested in her heart. They came out in the sad corners of her sweet smiles and the mellowed curves of her melodic voice.


One starry night she found her father drunk in the round table of the wing courtyard spouting Li Bai’s “Drinking Alone Under The Moon” –

I raised my cup to invite the moon
To join my shadow making us three
But the moon does not know how to drink
And my shadow just imitates me.

He let out a deep sigh before swiping down another drink. Seeing her, he said “EnXue, it is no fun drinking alone.” And as if answering his own comment, he added “But some drinks, you can only drink alone.” After helping him to his bed and watching him snoring in drunken stupor she whispered “It is also no fun crying alone, but who is there to understand your tears?”


But now, after so many years; she found her tears. Because of a little sympathy from a stranger who seemed to feel her depth when others around her were blind to it. And once started, her heart dislodged and pushed out the accumulated poison through her tears. She made no attempts to hold them back and they rushed out her beautiful eyes. All thoughts of poise and dignity were swept away by the violent sobs that racked her body. She was horrified at the sounds she was making and she drowned them with even more painful cries.


The fisherman was shell shocked at the transformation of the ice princess into this vulnerable young woman crying her heart out. What has happened to bring about this change? He had done nothing. What should he do? He could not hold her like he held MingYu to comfort her, could he? What brought about these tears? Why is her hurt so great? Is she crying for the boy who does not love her? Why do women outside his village cry so easily in front of him? She is even more beautiful when she cries. At this moment of time, he did not lose his appreciation of her now fragile beauty. What should he do? A hundred thoughts raced through his mind but he stood rooted like an idiot overcame with concern but clueless on what to do.


He had to do something so he took a step forward and placed a hesitant hand over one of her shoulder. She responded by stepping forward and literally grasped him, her arms tightly grabbing and enfolding his back. He was stunned, his body stiffened as hers crushed into his and he did not know how to push her away. He felt her breast pressed against his chest and to his horror he felt his body immediately responding. “This is not right” he managed to say and lifted his arm to gently pushed her away by the shoulders. But she cringed even tighter to him and the pressure took his breath away. He did not want to be violent but he had to separate her. At the same time, he was having difficulty controlling his passion, desire, lust. Why did she elicit such strong response from him? What if MingYu saw him like this?


He felt the warmth of her body and his own temperature rising. He fought his desire to hold back, the temptation to lift that chin and kissed that tiny mouth. He was disgusted with himself. He is not a person to take advantage of a vulnerable lady. Confusion assailed him. What he felt for MingYu is a gentle longing but this passion burned and scorched. What is happening to him? How can he feel this way if he loved MingYu? How can he feel such passion for this woman he just met? If this is lust, how can he has so little control over himself? This is not him, he denied but his body would not lie.


MingYu looked at the struggling WenCai and recalled how she used to protect him from the bullies. The other boys feared her because she would not hesitate to march to the principal’s office to complain or even to see their parents. She was one of the few who could appreciate his tenderness and sensitivities and how it sets him apart from the other boys who cared only for frogs and kites. She could play adult make believe games with him and discussed the characters found in books. They could take long walks and enjoy nature. A pleasure man only learned to enjoy when they are almost too old and weak to walk, she noted wryly. He was different. He cried at the death of a kitten and laughed at the flights of the swallows. And no matter how he was pressured by the other boys, would not tie a string on the body of the dragonfly to fly them like a kite. When the other boys had left the field, MingYu would help him gathered the broken dragonfly in their death throbs to give them a decent burial.


So what happened to those feelings now? As the memories came flooding back, her own tenderness swept in and seeped through the armor she built around her heart to protect it from the piercing arrows of hurt. In those unguarded moments, the barriers crumpled and her heart began beating again. She remembered the tears they shared as they bent over the puppy with the broken leg. And she looked at WenCai, just as broken. Her heart ached as it did before. She brushed her hands over his head and he leaned forward to rest it on her shoulder. She held his head as she had done countless times in the past and again felt the pain she held at bay. With its return, she learned she has neither destroyed nor expelled the love as she thought. She still loved him as a mother loved her child, as an older sister lover her brother and as a woman who stood by her man.


“You must be brave,” she said. “It is destined that we cannot be together. You know there is no solution. We cannot be selfish. You cannot disgrace the honor of your family. Be brave.”


“I know,” WenCai said. “I’m not as weak as you thought. I know what I have to do. All I ever hope for, was for you to forgive me. And to know you’ll be okay. We have to be apart but we do not have to stop loving…” he choked on those words.


“No. We do not have to.” MingYu affirmed.


And they held each other for one last time. MingYu has not forgotten about the Fisherman. She knew it will not be easy for him to witness this but hoped he will understand. Still, she has a lot of explaining to do. But there is something troubling her more. Things had becomes much more complicated. If she still loved WenCai, what were her feelings for the fisherman? She felt sorry to have dragged him into all this. She turned her head to look at him.


What she saw gave her a jolt and a stab in the heart. She saw the fisherman and EnXue in deep embrace. How could this be? She had always been aware of Snow’s affection and her envy of their relationship. Now she was jealous seeing EnXue holding onto the fisherman. She noted that the fisherman was not holding back and was appeased somewhat. She was besieged by fierce and rampaging emotions. Who does she love – the gentle WenCai or the kind fisherman? Who does she love more? Can she love two persons at the same time? Will she lose both? Why did he let her hold him? Doesn’t he know that will upset her?


She looked across and their eyes met with over the water. She suddenly realized with embarrassment that how could she blame the fisherman when she was also holding someone else.

To be continued...